A successful first year.
Living life more fully. Trying new things. Facing fears. Venturing outside my comfort zone. As I come to the close of the first year since this journey began, I find myself clarifying that these were, in fact, the reasons for starting in the first place.
I'm approaching trips and life in a whole new way. I'm packing things into my life that seemed far fetched before. My alternatives list (for the big 40 before 40 list) is growing. I'm repeatedly asking myself, "If not now - when?" Some things are still outside my reach, outside my ability to schedule or afford - and that's perfectly ok. I'm excited to have a new filter for life.
Not just the list - but beyond that too - which is the true goal, I suppose. I've started to think about both my year-long goals and this 40 before 40 list as training wheels. Re-training myself to live differently. I'm never going to be an adrenaline junkie or anything, but not letting things getting in the way of doing things is a good start. Opting in, not opting out! Using work trips to check things out that I wouldn't see otherwise, choosing to do more and experience deeper on regularly scheduled trips, saying yes to things I would have said no to before.
This agenda, this project (whatever it is), has given me the extra push I needed to face some fears, break out of my comfort zone, and take the first step towards some things I'd been thinking about for awhile.
We are often made to feel less than because we aren't doing
it all. I don't want to get caught up in that! I set these goals/priorities for myself - and the biggest
surprise has been the sense of permission I've allowed myself to let go
of other things. It's easier to cut through the
crap and choose what's meaningful for me, when I have a clearly defined
list of what I'm working on or working towards.
I've been busier than ever, but the things I'm doing are so much more of what I truly want
to be doing, I'm not as drained. It's amazing. I feel like this may be
more true because of the extrovert/introvert dynamic. But I feel
unburdened by other people's priorities in a new way. If a friend gets
really pushy about doing something, it's much easier to say - I'm really
sorry to miss another fill in the blank (i.e.: drinking event) but I'm working on fill in the blank (i.e.: learning to make bread) this weekend.
I know that each day we are here, is a privilege. We get bombarded with that message almost to the point that it loses its meaning. And certainly to the point that it used to make me feel a little guilty about spending a day at home. My homebody tendencies used to make me feel like I was opting out. Those days I just want to spend curled up with a good book. But even those days are gaining deeper value for me.
I have found a way to tap into an underground current. A day alone at home is more fulfilling now - the past year has had weekends filled with bread-making, cheese-making, pie-making, journaling, and knitting. I share homemade goodies with friends and coworkers. I am reading more and reading better. I am seeing the world with new eyes. With renewed possibilities.
Much to my surprise I'm finding clarity along the way (that really shouldn't be such a big surprise, but ... it is). My old reaction was to say, "No" first, then think about it. I think about the reason for my initial gut reaction, and then respond accordingly. Now, I'm significantly more likely to say, "Sure."
It's easier for me to identify which type of fear is sparking my gut "No" reaction. Is it a fear of failing at something? Pie making. A fear of injury? Rock climbing. Fear of looking like a fool? Salsa dancing. Or just so far outside my comfort zone that I am unsettlingly uncomfortable? Zip lining. Honestly, I'm not sure I really gave much thought to the idea that there were different types of fear triggers before. I can now comfortably say I don't feel the need or interest in doing certain things - bungee jumping, for example. Whereas, while zip lining scares the crap out of me - I still want to try it. I can look like a fool, but I want to see what it feels like to fly down a wire or learn to salsa. Sign me up.
All in all, not a bad start.
Iceland & Paris next month!! Making dreams come true! Can't wait.
